RANT. PLEASE DISREGARD. SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOTTA LET IT OUT.
Every day, I seem to grow a stronger and stronger dislike of people.
Not just one in general, but people as a whole.
Trusts being broken. Realizations and epiphanies. The snarky, half-assed comments.
On behalf of me, thank you for killing me from the inside out.
Lately, my social life has been in the pits. My former friend Amelia, I have come to realize, is a total bitch.
It's not only that she no longer (and without reason) speaking to me, but as our friendship as been broken, I am beginning to realize she is annoying.
For example, today in science, we were assigned new seats. She (unfortunately) is seated in the table group behind mine, and thusly, I can hear everything she says.
Our teacher made it very clear that we had a lot of notes to take, that we should shut up, buckle down, and do our work. However, there was one voice that never stopped yammering on and on.
And it was her voice.
He glared at her, asked her to turn the volume down; or turn the volume off.
He threatened new seating charts yet again.
And she never shut her mouth.
But, today I realized, it's not only Amelia giving me trouble.
The following aliases have been selected to protect identities:
Jane, Logan, Karina, Evan.
"Jane": Jane is someone I have known for a while now. And I considered them to be a very close friend.
Recently, however, Jane seems to be pushing me away. I'm not sure why.
I'm never sure why.
Occasionally, I begin to believe they do not view me as the close friend I viewed them as. I begin to believe they are merely using me for my brain--I will not be modest in admitting that I am (most likely) the most intelligent of my social associates.
Jane shares things with other friends, mainly Logan, that they do not share with me.
I do not understand why.
Perhaps it is a trust issue. But, I do not see what I could have done to earn their distrust.
I have trusted them in the past, and so they have trusted me.
If friends do not trust one another, then it can't possibly be a true and strong friendship.
Jane... I almost addressed them on the issue today. Then I shied away.
I do not talk about my feelings; it is a problem that I have trouble addressing. I simply cannot fathom what my thoughts would be like in words.
How terrible I would sound.
It is Jane who complains about not being able to spend time together, and it is Jane who makes plans with everyone else but me in their spare time.
Jane, if you are going to complain, at least hold true to your complaints.
"Logan": I like Logan. Truly.
However, it is the feeling that Logan does not like me. They speak to me, yes. Quite often, yes. But while Logan hangs out with our other friends, I am, once again, the one left behind.
They are the one who tell the stories.
They are the one who want me to laugh.
They are the one who couldn't possibly understand.
They are the one who can't see the rage inside me.
No one can see my rage, I hope. I feel as though I hide it well. It is not rare for me to be in a "bad mood", but simply because thoughts stir, and I realize this, and I become bitter.
I help Logan often. They approach me on certain topics they believe I know about, and I help them with open arms. They show their appreciation, but that is all.
They continue to treat me like the lowest ranking friends.
"Karina":I'm not sure I would consider Karina a close friend. Friend, yes, but not close.
They think I am hilarious. They, however, never listen to my complaints and needs.
Sometimes... I feel left behind.
"Evan":Sometimes I feel like Evan actually enjoys me. They do not leave me out. They sit beside me, crack jokes. However, Evan is also not a close friend.
But Evan appreciates me.
Or at least I think they do.
Friends are hard.
That is my only conclusion.
And when you are a social-shut-in like myself, it is hard to get past that.
You always see those posts, those words:
"Everyone has a friend they secretly don't like. If you don't have one, it's you."
I've never believed those. I mean, why would I associate with someone I don't enjoy the company of?
But perhaps... perhaps that friend truly is me.
Perhaps I am better off in my room; with my music and games.
But why... why is socializing so hard? What is so hard about liking someone? What is so hard about asking them to do things with you?
Maybe along the way I miscalculated.
Maybe I'm not as great as I make myself out to be.
Maybe I'm just not meant to have friends.
Listening to: -
Playing: Final Fantasy XIII: Lightning Returns