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lately ive been extremely pissed off, to put it bluntly. i've been dealing with 3-6 hours of homework every night as well as lack of sleep. it doesn't help that the environment of school torments me to no end. i hate the people surrounding me and i constantly feel the urge to punch something or someone. the only class i was looking forward to was cut from my schedule because it "doesn't fit". i've talked to my counselor and there is nothing i can do about it.
but it's not only academics that's pushing me to my limit--it's friends. i have one friend at school. all my other friends either abandoned me or changed. and my one friend is very temperamental and cranky. i know for a fact she doesn't get adequate sleep, which i'm sure adds to it. she's always in a bad mood and i sometimes feel helpless around her. what can i say that won't piss her off? should i say anything at all?
even my online friends have been seeming incredibly distant from me. most the time i don't want to be the one to initiate conversation in fear of bothering someone, or just the simple fact i don't have time to initiate it with my 3-6 hours of homework.
i recently attended kumoricon, where i made quite a few friends. i hung out with these friends for three days and i've known them for just about three weeks. and i feel closer to them than i do my "real" friends. i don't now if that's funny or sad. some friendships i've spent years on, only to be destroyed in a single night. but here i am, building friendships in three days.
i'm just angry and lonely. i feel as though my friend(s) won't talk to me or trust me. i feel pretty... useless? useless. u s e l e s s .
angry, lonely, and useless. that sums me up pretty damn well.
what would it take for you to notice that i am a heart on fire and all the world's a fuse so don't get close trouble and the worth am i better off on my own?
what will it take for you to notice that i am hand grenade pin already pulled so don't let go as we chase the sun my shadow slows us down
i brought down the sky for you but all you did was shrug you gave my emptiness a name but you ran away now all my friends are gone maybe we've outgrown all the things that we once loved run away but what are we running from? a show of hands of those in this audience of one
to all the ones that shake my hand then talk your shit behind my back to those who claim they understand but never heard a word i said in spite of you i am still here the vision has never been more clear
i slipped, i fell, then i lost everything my hope, my faith, in what the future brings