counting down the days to summer does not seem to ease my pain. in fact, it only adds to it. five days is still too much for me to handle--between the lack of sleep and my internal struggles and friendships.
to me, it seems as though each and every one of my friends is using me to gain some certain advantage they could not otherwise reach without me.
not only this, but they constantly come to me for help. i help them, of course, but when i am faced with a problem, i cannot go to them in fear of anger, hatred, or hurting them. while i genuinely care for them, i know their feelings towards me are different--perhaps indifferent.
i have friends who, when they come to me, talk crap about other friends (whether i am also friends with them or not). while they dub me "the only friend who cares" or "the only friend who listens", i do not return those feelings. i have perhaps a single (if not two) friends i can go to with my own problems. one of them which lives 3,000 miles from myself and cannot do much to aid in my mending of friendship.
it seems strange to me... that while my friends trash talk their other friends to me in solitude, they place them above me in public.
is it just that i am not cool? or that perhaps i am a newer friend?
why do you talk so poorly of these people, then worship the ground they walk upon the very next day? why do you use me for ranting and raving, then pretend i don't exist?
these problems, i feel, i have addressed before. once or twice, i thought that in doing so, the problems would become mended. however, they constantly come back. is it a forgetfulness? or simply because one does not care enough for me?
my friends also seem to bring me down. i am in this slump because of friends. would i be better of without them altogether?
a few days ago, i allowed a friend of mine to read a presentation i was throwing together. not a single kind word is said. before i showed it to them, i told them, "it is pretty full of cheese oops", meaning that, of course, it was cheesy.
instead of complimenting or praising my hard work, i simply received:
"yeah, it is really cheesy."
not only this, but this was after i had praised her presentation. i had told her i liked it very much, even picked out specific parts that i enjoyed.
what i received from her:
"yeah, it is really cheesy."
perhaps it is cheesy, but i did not get a single nice word about it. and since then, i have been freaking out, stressing over the presentation. is it too cheesy? is it not good enough to be selected?
i was going into this mess with the mindset that no, it was not good enough, and no, i would not be selected. but a friend could have, perhaps, heightened my views. perhaps a few nice words from a friend could have turned me from a negative nancy, into a positive polly.
i can pick out things each of my friends do to hurt me. and i am taking those conscious (or unconscious) beatings silently, tucking them away. wearing my heart on my sleeve is something i have never done, and never will. i mean, how much of a heart do i even have left after taking this?
in this game we play, is trust so cheap?
promises you never meant to keep
kick me while i'm down so you can watch me bleed
everything you said like you were god...
my old friends, who abandoned me earlier this year, were perhaps better at making me not feel so crappy about myself. maybe i have simply forgotten what they have said to me or what they did to hurt me...
i just wish my best friend lived here. i am so lost without her. thank you for always supporting me, kenzie, and lifting my spirits when my local friends failed.